Are You Willing to Take the First Step Towards Transformation?

“You find yourself stuck in a deep pit of despair, the weight of the world on your shoulders seems unbearable. Every day feels like an insurmountable challenge with overwhelming tasks as you navigate the murky waters of depression. The darkness has clouded your mind, drowning you in a sea of negative emotions. No matter how hard you try, you just can't escape it. But amidst this chaos, there is a glimmer of hope – the willingness to change.”

28 August 2024

Who switched on the lights in the living room? Is it 6am already? I briefly opened my eyes and blinked at the numbers that’s right in front of me. WHAT?! It’s only 4.30am! I blinked again and struggled to get out of bed. It’s him, again. The boy that sat on the piano stool, looking innocently at me.

It’s been a long while since I’ve stopped writing, all thanks to whatever that had been occupying my time. I don’t know, honestly. I’m constantly exhausted but yet I felt like I’ve never achieved much. And then suddenly, days passed, months passed, years passed.

My life felt like a roller-coaster, moving up and down at a very fast speed, from the moment I decided to settle down and start a family at 31. From the wedding chaos, to the birth of my first child, my what-I-believe-to-be post natal depression, the arguments with the family on how to raise my child, the conflicts between myself, the hub and my mother-in-law, finance and household chores quarrels, the birth of my second child, new house woes, more conflicts on children’s education, breaking down of my marriage silently, discovery of mother-in-law’s sickness, my dad’s not that good too, my second’s child mild autism, passing of my mother-in-law, the hub quit his job, and then it’s work and more work, and so on…

I’m tired, I really am. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. It’s been almost 13 years, since I’ve felt like I’m going to do something for myself. I mean, I did think about it along the way but it probably only happened in the head most of the time, or for a really short while, for something else will occupy those little spare time of mine. And most importantly, it didn’t last, none of them did.

I’ve tried to learn golf recently, but it seemed to have died with the upcoming of my child’s PSLE. I’ve actually finished my diploma for the cake decorations, but I seemed to be getting more lazy to bake for my children. Even for those baking classes that I loved dearly, I dreaded it at times. My house is in a constant mess, and I’m always feeling frustrated, not to mention that the hub pissed me off with his temper every now and then, so much so that I felt like giving up on this marriage.

But whatever it is, I’ve told myself that I’ll give it one more try. Life is still beautiful no matter what, and I should not simply let the flow of life push me along. I used to love life so much, which I still do, except that I don’t have that enthusiasm anymore. And I missed it…

And so, here I am, totally willing and wanting to make myself better and happier. Today is a good day, let the adventure begins!